decide tat i should blog bcos i cannt everitime around 7pm jiu sleep! realli lazy me lar. and suddenly decide to change abit of my skin also bcos i thought of opening another blog jus for hubby, typing in the thoughts and such. BUT it is rather stupid for me to do so, bcos i can alwaes write my thoughts and feelins for him in letter OR i can post it on my blog. so wad for i open another blog. then wad will happen to this blog? bcos this is my personal blog also right. duh. so i find myself rather stupid. LOL

jus plae around wif the pictures and moving the textbox for my blog. the rest remain. cant b bothered to do much abt it. but nw my blog looks more complete wif our pictures. our = me, hubby and our baby darius! been feelin depressed bcos i cant visit hubby. but tryin to cheer myself up by telling myself not to pin hope animore. not not to pin hope on being together wif him after he is released, but not to pin hope that i can visit him animore. but, im still deciding wad i should do. the most i will try and see whether i can appeal for his case. sigh. ive looked googled online and it saes that should he wan to appeal against his sentence, he haf to do so within 10days. everywhere i read is the same. BUT there's 1 clause which saes tat unless there are special case. TA-DAH mayb my hope is here.

sometimes cant help but see my situation fron an outsiders' angel. i seems rather pathetic huh? for 2yrs plus im wif this guy whose mother doesn like me right from the start without a reason and as we process thru the whole relationship, the mother jus start to pick on the everi single ting. saeing tat she dun like me bcos i smoke, dun like me bcos ive tattoos. BUT she onli know i smoke 1 dae after seein me for the first time, yet she alreadi chase me out of the hse after i greated her. so, tryin to sae she hate me bcos she smokes is stupid excused. bcos u didnt even know i smoke when u chase me out of ur house. duh.

and i always hide my tattoos from them hence the reason why dey onli know ive tattoos abt 2yrs into the relationship. i respect them. never smoke nor show my tattoos in front of them. alwaes hiding here and there. and even sit at the stairwaes for almost 2yrs, tryin to let her accept me. but instead of accepting me, she took it for granted tat im very gd to be bullied. finally burst somewhere around 2yrs into the relationship and scolded her CCB right in her face. LOL. her stun look, will never forget. for 2yrs plus, not being able to b accepted in the family and alwaes hafing to hide from her is alreadi pathetic enuff. and then later on hubby kanna case. and im the one being pointed at again. saeing tat it is bcos of ME tat's why hubby alwaes never go home. and hence, let him haf the chance to haf another case. but the fact is, after he got his license and bike, i hardly see him. bcos he will sae he go malaysia wif his frens and onli come back in the morning. ive to work, how do i even tag along? but, im being pointed at saein tat im the one who lead him astray.

if it is not pathetic enuff, my mum pass awae just 2 weeks before he is supposed to be sentenced. and we quarrelled and fight jus 1 week before he is supposed to be sentneced. and i haf to be pregnant at that point of time. hafin to find out onli 3 daes before he is to be sentenced. and if not pathetic enuff, his mum after knowing tat in pregnant still dun wan to let me visit him and nw the prison department also say cannt. and im left all alone! pathetic enuff not. sigh.

but seein another wae, i got pregnant at the wrong time, but baby darius gave me the strength to carry on. should i not haf baby darius, i believe, i mayb alreadi admitted to IMH liaos. LOL. should i not haf baby darius, i duno in hw a bad state i would bcome, how many news scars would i haf, hw i would cry everi single dae. and if not for baby darius, mayb he and i would realli leave this relationship there and then, 1 week before he's to be sentenced. bcos he wrote to me saeing tat he feel tat i should leave. 18months is a long time. many tings will change. and definitely im gonna meet someone better then him, quite true also if u wan to compare in reality. LOL. but as he mention, it is fate that brought us together this time. bcos we have baby darius nw. it's different. when he truly wanted to cut it between the 2 of us, baby darius came along. it's god's will. it's fate that why of all time, ive to get pregnant this time?

i cherish everi single ting tat is given to me. i cherish everi single stuff tat happen to me. i dun haf much regrets, except for my mum. bcos i believe tat, everiting tat happened in the past, whether isit sad or unpleasent stuff tat still pisses me off nw, it happened for a reason. and mayb if jus 1 part of it is missin, i wun b who im nw. i onli regret tat im not fillial enuff when my mum is around. and tat nw i can do nothin to make it up, bcos she haf alreadi left the world. sometimes i still misses my mum. and jus talk to the air, as if im talking to her, as if she is still by my side. sometimes i still see the image of her frail, thin and hollow face in my mind and i start to tear. 20yrs, she is in my life. hut hw many yrs of memories do i haf of her. when i look at my hse nw, i cant help but feel that she is a great mummy. despite her illness, despite being so weak, she never fail to clean the hse. and after she is gone, it doesn even look like a hse animore. i didnt miss her bcos nobodi is here to do the hsework. i miss her bcos she's not able to see ani of her children get married and haf children. i miss her bcos, she's no longer here. bcos she will forever b my dearest mum.

todae i receive a call from her. it's surprised. bcos i do not haf her no. and i duno who called. the no. look familiar. but too busy to recall and cant recall. when i called her i still cannt recognised. after sometimes then i realised tat it is her who called me. she called me bcos she saw my post on tat im unable to visit hubby and she happened to saw her fren who might know hw i can try to visit hubby and hence she is calling me to tell me the stuff.

i never thought we would b in contact animore. esp after my feb post. and also after wad she had post in her blog after tat. but nevertheless, im thankful for her help and also appreciate wad she had done for me. mayb somehow somewhere in our heart, we still care.